The things every girl needs for growing uber-long, healthy, happy hair!

Ok maybe not, but still!...

For those that don't know, the Large Hadron Collider is not the first thing some of us think of when someone mentions the LHC. The Long Hair Community is a web-based forum (http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/) where people who are growing their hair gather to share tips and support on a variety of things (not just hair) and gain friends all over the word (there are regular meets in places across europe, the UK, and various states of the US).
Since I joined the LHC, my knowledge of hair care, and the way I care for my hair has changed a lot. Not completely, mind you - the dryness of my scalp and hair meant I never really shampooed it more than once a week, and I prefer to have the ability to keep my hair out of my face, so I kept it long enough that I could throw it up into a pencil bun at a moments notice for chemistry classes and such at school. I got it trimmed twice a year at the salon, where they routinely cut off at least an inch more than I asked for. I also never got into the habit of heat-styling or blow-drying my hair, partly because I couldn't be bothered with the static from straightening, the frizz from curling, the extra slippiness on top of normal caused by all three that meant my hair being a pain to deal with, and the pure fact that I couldn't be bothered to spend an hour or more drying and styling my hair every time I washed it. The only time my hair got heat styled was on my twice-yearly visits to the salon, when they would blow dry it. Usually they would ask if I wanted it straightened, and I think I did once, but like I said, it wasn't exactly a regular thing. So basically, before LHC, my hair was, probably by most peoples standards, pretty healthy.

So, as it's slowly coming closer to my 2nd year anniversary at the LHC (which will be in March), I decided to make a list of the things I don't now how I ever lived without, and maybe do a little enabling in terms of hair accessories. (right now I'm wishing I could find a blogger layout that had working smilies - another thing I have got much too used to over at the LHC)

So first things first - the biggest thing I found that helped my hair was changing the products and the way in which I washed my hair. My scalp is so dry that I could literally go weeks without washing my hair, and it still wouldn't look greasy - I washed my hair because without it, my ends would get so, so dry, and breakage would ensue, and also because I went horse riding every weekend, and prefered to wash my hair to get out all the dust, and sand, and hay, and horse-hair before going back to school on monday. I used to just shampoo and condition with a regular shampoo and conditioner, full of SLS and silicones, as most are. Turns out that the build up of silicones was preventing any moisture from getting into my length and ends, and whilst the SLS was needed to clean off the silicones, it doesn't do a great job of it, and it just dries my ends out more. My hair hated it. So I used a clarifying shampoo to clean my hair of all the silicones and other gunk, effectively resetting my hair, then invested in a -cone free conditioner and an SLS-free shampoo. I made up an SMT (a homemade moisture treatment popular on the LHC, containing lovely things like aloe vera gel) with it and left it on for a good half-hour I could tell the difference after just one wash. I currently do what is known as a CWC, or condition-wash-condition, meaning that I condition the ends before and after shampooing, reducing the drying effect of the shampoo on the ends, whilst still getting the hair clean. I still use a clarfying shampoo and do a moisture treatment once in a while, depending on how my hair feels, or whether or not somebody manages to spill beer in it on a night out (a more common occurrence than you would think - theres a reason I often wear my hair up on a night out). Anyway, using the shampoo just down to the nape level, and the conditioner just from that point down, I have a balance of reasonably well moisturised, soft length and ends and a happy scalp that isn't irritated by the SLS my skin is apparently sensitive to - who knew?
Mind you, my type of washing doesn't work for everyone - there are condition-only, water-only, no-water, cone-free, SLS-free etc, etc, and then there are those who try all these, and go back to regular shampoo and conditioner. Everyone's hair and scalp are different.

The next major breakthrough was the magic of henna. Now, I know there is a lot of misinformation out there about henna, and that has caused many people, and almost every training hairdresser in the land to gape in horror at the mere suggestion. Before you go screaming at me about the horrors of henna, please just take the time to read up properly on the subject. The horror stories of melting hair and such often come from people using hair dyes advertised as henna, which often contain little or no henna at all. In fact in some parts of the world, the word henna is used to describe any hair dye, whether they contained real henna or not. Its the metallic salts in these hair dyes, and in some "hair" hennas that cause the adverse reactions, of which includes melting of the hair, when combined with regular chemical treatments. Body Art Quality henna (the type that artists make patterns on the hands with, and gives an orange stain on the palms of the hand) is perfectly safe to use on the hair. Henna contains lawsone, a dye molecule that gives a red stain, meaning that every real henna will only ever add an orange to red stain to the hair, depending on the origonal colour of the hair, the lawsone content of the henna, and the number of applications used. There is no such thing as black henna. Black henna often contains PPD, which can cause burns on the skin. That said, a black colour can be obtained by a two-step dye process with henna and another plant indigo. Indigo, cassia, and amla are all plants that people may use with, or in the case of cassia, instead of henna, though I don't use any of them. Henna is permanent on most people, and it is almost impossible to remove in a lot of cases. That said, I have found it to be great for my hair - not only does it enhance the reddish tint to my dark brown hair, and turn it firey in the sunlight in a way I love, the colour doesn't fade, my hair is more resilient to damage, and it becomes more manageable to deal with. I do love my henna.

Oil! Ok, now there was a time when people would look at you like a lunatic if you told them you put oil in your hair. Now, thanks to the growing area in the hair industry of "hair oils", people are a little more accepting. For a very long time, after discovering oils on the LHC, I thought my hair didn't like oils. Most of the regular liquid oils left my hair feeling odd and nasty. Apparently argan oil is very good for hair, but its expensive, and I couldn't afford it. However, I recently tried coconut oil, and its made a great difference to the neverending dryness of my ends. I bought mine in a big jar from the chinese supermarket for around £1, and its pretty solid because of the cold weather here. Usually I use two pea-sized dollops or so, and rub it between my palms to melt it, before pressing it along the length of my hair from the shoulders down. I do that the night before a shower, braid it, then wash it out the next day, when my hair has soaked most of it up, and my hair has gone from greasy to almost normal again. It takes a bit of trial and error to work out which oil works for you though.

Another major breakthrough in hair care for a lot of LHC-ers was Nightbloomings Panacea Hair Salve. Nightblooming is an etsy seller, and she makes 3 different hair salves, amongst other hair care products. Here is the sample trio, which I am currently trying out to see which one my hair likes. Since my hair usually freaks with protein, I'm using the winter blend at the moment, which my hair seems to be loving. A tiny amount is applied in the same fashion as the coconut oil, on wet hair after washing, like a leave-in type conditioner.

Everyone should also have a good, snag-free brush that doesn't pull on hair, but then if your hair is curly, you would likely be better off with combs instead. My brush is one of the original Denman styling brushes.
Everyone should also have a decent regular and wide-tooth comb, free of seams if plastic. I have a lovely horn comb, but I'm due a replacement. I love the horn combs by Quecraft. I'm hoping to get one of the pheonix ones. :)

Then comes the fun part! Hair-toys!!!
Ok, so I'm a bit of a hair-toy addict. In fact there's even a forum thread for us all. I started putting my hair up with a pencil when I was at school, so the idea of hairsticks was an easy step for me. Since my hair has got longer, I've loved finding loads of different buns to use my hairsticks with. For clarification, a hair-toy is literally any hair accessory that can either completely hold up a style, decrate a style, or most often, both.
Heres my list of my must-have hair-toys:

• A ficcare - probably my most well-used hair-toy. Unfortunately, over-use and rather less than perfect care has battered mine a bit, so the metal has bent and the enamel on top is coming off in parts of my lotus jewel. They are expensive, but nothing holds like it. Just a shame they're not meant to be waterproof - my insistance to use it on wet hair might have something to do with the separation of the enamel.
• A glass hairstick - glass is waterproof, meaning you can use it with wet hair and not damage it. Emergent Glassworks has some lovely pieces. I got an octopus stick from him, shortened to a functional length of 5", as most of his are rather long for me, but he is very willing to alter them. It's a little top-heavy, but holds a pretzel bun brilliantly.
• A hairfork - I have a 60th Street 2-prong in a woody-coloured dymondwood (can't remember the name of the colour), and I'm saving up for a 3-prong wooden one, though which make, I am undecided. Dymondwood is meant to be waterproof too, but I wouldn't want to chance it with a regular wooden one - I like forks too much for that.
• A RavensCroft Moon - I was lucky enough to get a gorgeous purpleheart and ash 4" moon as one of my first hair toys. Shirl's moons are often snapped up pretty quick, so don't be surprised is she has nothing in stock. Her pieces are lovely, and well loved by a number of LHC-ers. Once you figure out a couple of ways to keep your hair up with them, I promise you'll love them. They are a little thick, though, so a four inch moon is about the right size for my almost-hip-length hair.
• A simple wooden hairstick plus a pretty one (or two or three or four...)
• My favourite shops are:
• Eaduard Hairsticks
• Aliarose
• Grahtoestudio
• Timberstone Turnings
• RavensLair
• Out Numbered Novelties
• ...Amongst others I'm sure I have yet to discover/have forgotten about.

Ok, enough hair talk. Oh - yesterdays bun was a nautilus, first with a pencil, then with Goody spin pins (UK-ers can buy them from Morrisons) for OTC, and today, its a braided bun, oiled for tomorrows wash.

Ok, now, enough hair talk. See you soon.

A note to people who know who I am

So I've come across a bit of a dilemma in what to include in my blog, and what to leave out. You see, my blog serves a couple of purposes, but mostly, its a place for me to talk and let my thoughts out when I don't feel I can in real life, and maybe, if one of these days someone comments on my blog, get a wider perspective on issues. Though, at the moment, it doesn't seem like anyone is taking enough interest in my writing to comment, so mostly this blog is currently just for me.
Recently I've noticed more views from the UK. Sure enough, they're spread amongst views from Russia, the USA, and very occasional views from Canada and some European countries.
But I became aware that people I know could just as easily come across my blog.
I guess I don't know what to think of that. My blog does have stuff I don't really want to be popular knowledge amongst some of the people I know - mostly my fellow OCdts at the OTC, as they most kindly proved yet again at last nights dinner. Those few of you that have been keeping up with my posts will likely have realised that I have a tendency to skip over certain things: The other non-NaNo-related reasons for my mid-November breakdown (I know I told you it wasn't a breakdown, but that wasn't exactly true); the reasons I changed over the summer and I can't go back to picking up guys on nights out; the reasons I find any feelings of love so hard and painful; the reasons I don't mention my name in my blog. Its because its stuff that is very difficult for me to talk about to people around me. Putting it on my blog would lift a huge weight off my chest, but I don't particularly want it known by certain people around me. Even my parents don't know some of this stuff, and there's a lot of it that only my closest friends know.
It wouldn't be too hard for some of the people who know me to find out that the blog belonged to me, and find out all these secrets were I to post them. Between the LHC, the stuff I post here, and NaNo, I could guess it really wouldn't be too hard to figure out. But yet, I still want to talk freely here. I may not want my family, and fellow OTC-ers to know those things, but in reality, it probably wouldn't make much difference to my life if they did.
This blog is, in a way, like a public diary for me. Posting the stuff I'm thinking about takes a lot of weight off my chest - even if it's just me writing a whole pile of stuff thats in my head, and editing out all the personal stuff later, it still helps.
Its been suggested to me to keep a diary before, because I was having such a rough time of it emotionally, just as I am now. Thats why I actually started this blog up again, after it lying dormant for so long. I need it to keep me going sometimes, even if it doesn't seem like it. I guess if I can't let everything out, whats the point? I've decided that while I'll keep my blogger name rather than my own, for the sake of my sanity and the point of the blog, but I won't hold in these things any longer. I will no longer lie, or gloss over the major stuff in an effort not to to have my identity discovered.
I am Tigereye, blogger, LHC-er, musician, and student. My biggest vanity is my hair, and my biggest comfort, my close friends and family. My last boyfriend died in a fire. My uncle died of suicide. In November, a boy I went to high school with died of suicide. I was saddened by it, though I only knew him from class, and it brought back all the old grief. I was deeply affected and horrified at the news of the connecticut shootings, and found all the accusations and debate expressly painful to listen to. I changed a lot over the summer, on the anniversary of the death of my last boyfriend, which happened to fall while the band were in Basel. I can no longer deal with the shame and guilt I feel over all the times I had got caught up with other guys I barely knew. It was a way for me to deal with loss, but it didn't work. I find love hard and painful because, for me, it is so fundamentally connected to death. But as much as it hurts, I want nothing more than for someone to care, someone to hug on the bad days and a shoulder to cry on. Someone to stick up for me when rumours go around, instead of trying to stumble on by myself through life and defend myself, when I know it will only make me look more guilty in the eyes of those accusing. I am not as strong as people give me credit for. I am like every other girl out there, carrying secrets and hurt. But like every other girl, I also carry hope, friendship and love. My family get on, and I love every one of them. I couldn't survive without my brother, my sister, and my friends. I have people I can trust and love. I am lucky to be the person I am, and have what I have.
I am Tigereye, and this is my blog. These are my hopes, my fears, my dark secrets. If you think you know who I really am, come and ask me and I will answer truthfully, if you will do but one thing in return. I ask that you keep these secrets. That they remain between me and my readers. For that you will have my unending gratitude.
For the rest of you out there, as you were. And thank you (Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!) for following my blog. :)

The Burns Supper

Hopefully the source of my sadness and difficulty in love situations has now been explained, even if in a rather abrupt manner. It's time for an update on the Burns supper.
So everyone that has followed the last few posts knows I've been having a rough time trying to reconcile with my grief. Yesterday and the night before were HARD. For no obvious reason, I've been drowned under my grief this last while. I managed to pull myself together to go to the Burns supper, and for most of the night it was ok. I was less talkative than usual, but most people didn't press me. However, though I usually enjoy Robbie Burns' poems, last night I found myself dreading the poem Tae the Lassies. Really dreading it. And with good reason, it seems. I should have left in the break and not taken a backwards glance. It was worse than I thought. Embarrassing, and horrible, and not something I found I could deal with in my current grief-stricken state. And I felt so stupid for not taking it as the banter it was meant to be, but I just couldn't do it. It brought back all the guilt I've been trying to reconcile myself with for the last 6 months. I didn't know how to deal with my feelings about this, and I still don't.
I think if someone comes and says something about it today, I could be very close to slapping someone in the face. I hate this. It's not me. I'm fed up of always having to appear stronger than I am, and always appearing to be a person I'm not.
Ugh!

Bad times

I've been having a hard time. Last night I couldn't get to sleep for crying. I think I eventually got about 3 hours of restless sleep that just made me more tired this morning.
It's like even though I've been hurting all term, the full emotional impact hit me now that I wasn't worrying about Uni or exams.
But it's made worse that my usual comforts aren't here to help. There is no-one in Aberdeen I can call at 3.30 in the morning if I'm feeling down, because I either don't know them well enough, or in the case of band members and OTC-ers, I don't trust them enough. Those very very few I do know and trust, I don't want to go waking up at some stupid time in the morning. Though I realise that once in a while I should possibly take priority for a change, it's a difficult thing for me to be an annoyance in other people's lives, and since when is being woken up at a stupid time in the morning not an annoyance?
I also feel too far away from nature in this huge city. The only "nature-y" places are the beach, the park and an occasional garden. But the beach feels littered and unloved. The park and gardens feel too manicured and unnatural, where the flowers can't grow for the grass being mowed, and the trees are chopped down as soon as they reach a decent height. It's difficult to find a huge solid tree that I can just sit under in peace and try to sort out my internal war. And that's important to me. By the very nature of my religion, I feel out of place without something of nature around me. It's why I keep pot plants and pick up shells from the beach.
My grief did get too much last night. My grief over all things, and most importantly, the people I have lost. It feels so stupid that it would come around now, but I can't help it. As one of the LHC-ers said, grief is a day to day process, and today is one of the harder days. It was 5.30 at least before I got to sleep, and I stuttered awake at 8am.
Somehow I'm going to have to pull myself together for this stupid dinner I've already been worried about. I'm off to make a tartan shrug. I think I'll hand sew it because I'm useless at overstitch, and I don't want the tartan dress material to fray. Hopefully the monotony of sewing will take my mind off things, or at least give me a chance to think through things. It's the one reason I like cleaning rifles. The monotony helps me through.


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Ramblings: Gossip

In relation to my worry about the poems at the Burns dinner I mentioned, I guessed it was time to go through my feelings on gossip properly.
I have to admit, I am bad for gossiping sometimes. Not so much for starting it, but for repeating it, but then, there wouldn't be gossip without the repeaters in the line. However, as guilty as I sometimes am, I hate gossip. I hate how something can start off as one thing, then progressively turn into something else as it goes around, a bit like a massive game of chinese whispers. I guess in the last few months, I've been less involved in gossip itself, and sitting back to watch. And now that I no longer have the want to know who likes who or who slept with who, I almost find it annoying that there is this apparent need to know the juicy details of other peoples personal lives.
I guess the reason I've been finding it annoying, is that I know that people only catch snippets of information, and if the receiver barely knows the person, or people involved, they can sometimes build a whole persona based on the information they have heard. Not even the people who start the gossip often know the whole story upon which it is based. And this can very often be hurtful to others without people realising it. How often have people been hurt that some secret they have told someone ended up no longer being a secret between two people, but rather the story of the day amongst a whole room-full of people. Certainly, in my case, though I do not say anything, as most people don't (for there is no way to deny it, or even soften the blow without seeming guilty of whatever charge has been placed on your head)the gossip spread amongst my fellow OTC-ers is very hurtful. I guess to them, it is just a story to tell, and I guess in a way it is, and amongst those who have known me throughout the time I've been there, it is little else, but these people they tell now, while being a part of the group of us that are officer cadets, are newer, and don't necessarily know me, and are forming impressions of me before they actually meet me because of the stories that are being told of a person I no longer am.
And for me, more than that, it hurts, more than they can know, because they are linked to things none of them know about, in ways none of them can imagine. Important, and sensitive subjects I will someday go into. Just as it very well could for many others too.
That's why I don't like the gossip. I guess if any of them were ever to come across this post, I would ask them to think about what they say about people, but what would be the point? Everybody gossips, and, like I said, I am guilty of it too, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Maybe its time to speak to those I have found most guilty of doing it to me. Perhaps they need to know the reasons why I would prefer not to be talked about; go into the important and sensitive subjects it brings up. Perhaps it would make a difference, or perhaps not. I don't know, and can only hope I can pluck up the courage to try. Maybe It'll work, or maybe I'll be labeled as stupid, or having no sense of humour, but both of these terms would perhaps seem a slightly better term to place me under than those I am already getting filed under in the minds of the freshers. Everybody can develop a sense of humour, but its much more difficult to shake off preconceptions.

Exams are over!

In my glass: diluting orange
From my iPod: Rhythm of Love, by Plain White T's
From my bookshelf: The Raven Boys - No idea if it'll be any good. I'll let you know once I'm further in. The writing is quite good so far, though, so things are promising.
Outside: Snowy and bright
My mood: relieved
Todays hairstyle: Was a cinnabun, but is now in twin english braids (pocahontas braids) soaked in coconut oil ready for washing tonight.

Finally! The last exam is over. I can totally chill out and relax for a few days before the crazyness that is term time at uni recommences. Thank the goddess its all over.
Unfortantely, I managed to slip on the ice yesterday, managing to smack my hand really hard, and today my wrist is really sore. Like badly sprained kind of sore. Im thinking about strapping it up for a while. Plus my ganglion burst, except for the pea-sized bit thats turned totally solid over the past 8 years or so - the doc tried aspirating it before, but while he could drain most of the fluid, confirming it is definitely a ganglion, the fluid can thicker and there was stuff he simply couldn't remove with the (rather large) needle. The only way to remove it would be surgery, and I'm not all that willing to do that whilst I still need regular use of my wrist. Anyway, the remainder of the ganglion seems to be where the pain is worst. Not surprising really - it pushes against the first finger tendon on the thumb side, and every time I move my finger, the tendon pushes against the ganglion. Depending on how much I use my wrist, it'll get bigger in relation to how much fluid is in it, and it can get quite painful. Thats why I got it aspirated before - it got to about the same diameter as one of my rings, and stuck a good bit out of my wrist, but I could barely play my violin because it was impairing my first finger movement, and it was painful to play. Nevertheless, I had to attempt to play through an exam before I dared go get it fixed. As soon as I got it done, I wished I had done it sooner. Before, my ganglion didn't go down in size, only got bigger and bigger, but now at least it goes down with rest.
In any case, for now, its just really sore. I've never whacked it off something like this before, so I'm not sure if its this normal for it to hurt for so long or so bad. I don't think its a sprain, since it feels like the throbbing and occasional stabbing with movement is stemming from the area of the ganglion. Since it seems I have little luck with finding painkillers that work (believe me, I know from my experiences with my ankles that the majority of over-the-counter painkillers do nothing for me. I tend to take them because people tell me to, or I feel the pain is awful, but they rarely, if ever have any effect. When my brother was in hospital, the doctors couldn't find anything that worked for him other than codeine and morphine, which are not exactly drugs you want people to stay on for long. Much be a genetic difference in our bodies drug receptors), I'll probably just strap it up and attempt to keep use to a minimum for the next couple of days (meaning no typing - any possible blog posts will be going through blogpress on my phone, so I can just use one hand).

Its the OTC Burns night dinner this weekend. I can't decide if I'm looking forward to it or not. Currently I'm thinking not, but its been paid for, so I'm not backing out now. I have my dress, which I'm desperately hoping doesn't end up with someone spilling port on it, and shoes that might or might not actually go with it (I kind of need brown or cream to match - but I don't do brown, my only cream one are peeptoe, which are not allowed, so at the moment, they're black, with a cream platform, but the platforms are rather too tall for the length of the dress I think. I'll either have to go speed shopping tomorrow, or just do with what I have. Ah well. The band are meeting for pre-drinks beforehand, as per the usual for dinners. But I'm rather looking forward to it. I am not looking forward to a couple of things. Firstly, the sheer amount of food we eat. Seriously. I'm used to small frequent meals, with lots of water and watery juice to wash it down. A 3-course meal, as delicious as the food can be, with only wine to drink with it isn't a fun experience for me, especially when the wine just tends to make me even more thirsty. I usually start to feel ill about half-way through the main course, and have to try to slowly force the food down my throat. By the time the dinner is over, I need to sit down somewhere for half an hour with about 5 glasses of water to try and get my system going again. The second thing is the poems. Or rather the Tae the Lassies poem and the reply. I rather like all the other poems that are being done. But the Tae the Lassies poem, and the reply are made up by the guys and girls, respectively, of the OTC each year, and from my experiences last year, it just seemed to me like a string of insults dressed up as "banter". I get banter, I do, and I totally didn't mind what was said about me last year, because, yes, it was banter. However, this year they have a lot more ammunition to fire because of rumours. I don't want to be seen like that, and I'm worried they will say something that will really hurt.
Basically to put it plainly, I've so far found difficult to deny any rumours because of the general OTC reasoning that denying means you're guilty, but not denying also makes you guilty. I find this all difficult to deal with because of grief I have inside that makes it difficult enough for me to ever get close to someone emotionally and physically. If I'm publically labelled as someone who sleeps around, I don't know if I could deal with it, because for a long time, I could barely even deal with the thought of being near guys like that. I'm not saying that I didn't take advantage of a couple of guys when I was on a night out, but I really can't deal with any of it any more. Besides, I don't want that creep getting the wrong idea. As it is, I can see myself having to tell him to piss off and leave me alone at some point in the night. Ugh.
 I know a lot of you guys are probably going, "huh?" since what I'm saying probably doesn't make make sense from what you need to know. I'm working on a post to go up at some point (I'm not sure when) which will explain the why, what and how, of why I can't deal with this, and the causes of the grief that means I can't deal with it. Hopefully, it'll make the complicated situation easier to understand. For now, all you need to know is that grief and insulting "banter" is a recipe for a horrible night.

In Skyrim, Rochiriel is level 14, and has recently joined the college of winterhold, and the Stormcloaks. I think she just absorbed her fourth dragon soul, though the dragons keep killing my suicidal horses :( She has a house, but it only has one weapon rack, and I have multiple weapons and armour that I switch between for various quests (i.e. the boots that improve frost resistance for going to fight in the snowy places where there are likely to be ice-wraiths, or mordaths boots for sneaking around dundeons/caves etc.), which are currently stocked in a chest and wardrobe, but I know its possible to have a different house with more (a friend has one) so I'm aiming to get more houses. I believe I just need to become a thane for more Jarls.

I'm off to the NaNo group tonight. I don't know what we'll be doing, seeing as NaNo isn't on any more. I think we're working on our own projects, which for me, will be more posts for here, I think. Maybe you might get a poem for a change. In fact I do have a poem that I wrote over the holidays, but it's a sad one, and I'm not in the mood for sad things at the moment. Maybe another time.

Oh the joys of January weather.

In my glass: nothing - getting thirsty though..
From my iPod: So Good, by B.o.B.
From my bookshelf: Physiology
Outside: Mental!!
My mood: Meh..
Todays hairstyle: Diagonal french braid into low, braided side bun, held with my Ravenscroft Moon

So I've been sitting here in the library for a couple of hours, getting thirsty because I know that if I leave my seat for two minutes to go and get a drink, I'm going to lose it and probably have to wait another half hour before I get another one.  It's been getting colder and colder in here, regardless of the number of people here. I get that it's cold outside, but I do wonder if there's something up with the central heating system. It seems to be roasting when theres no-one here, but at the moment, when every floor is jam-packed, it doesn't seem to ever get to a comfortable level of heat. Considering that my flat is set pretty low on heating, and I'm comfortable in that, I can only guess how cold it currently is in the library - I'm sitting here with my outdoor coat on for goodness sakes!

Anyway, I've been planning to go home for the past five minutes, but haven't bothered moving. Why? Because I'm sitting right by the window, and could see the crazy weather that was going on outside. Theres been blasts of harsh, cold wind that I'm watching people leaning into just to keep walking. In the past five minutes, we've had a river of rain gushing down the slight slope up to the library, a storm of hail getting buffetted by the wind and pelting the people who were unlucky enough to be outside for that minute or so, and even some snow, just floating about in a white blur in the wind, and barely even touching the ground.
For now, the wind still howls, and I get to watch all the people battling against it as they walk. On a side note, stemming from an observation I made whilst procrastinating earlier: why people wear their hair down in this kind of weather I will never know. I'd spend most of the journey getting annoyed at not being able to see for it flying in my face all the time, and then have to spend about an hour detangling the mass it would end up. And then the frizz when the rain dries - Yeesh! Each to their own I suppose.

In other news, I've found myself getting annoyed enough with the Blogger mobile app that I might go back to Blogpress for my mobile posts. If I start drafting a post, then leave it, post something else, then edit and finish the previous post (as I did with some of my ramblings during NaNo, and only recently uploaded), it not only doesn't seem to upload for hours, or even days, but often it appears back in my timeline to whenever I started writing, and NOT when I actually uploaded it. Which usually results in me logging onto my laptop wherever I can get internet, reverting the post back to draft, and re-posting it to get it to the top of my post-list. NOW WHAT IS THE POINT IN THAT?? The whole point on a mobile app for me is for ease of blogging on the go. If I have to find wi-fi for my computer every time I upload because of stuff going wrong, then it kind of makes the app null-and-void. GAH!

I admit it's only a small problem, but still annoying enough. I've been looking through the other reviews, which are rather mixed, and a lot of them not so great, and plenty of people have been having problems with uploading photos. I've been taking pictures to upload, but haven't even got around to uploading them because of my previous annoyances with the app. At least with Blogpress, as simple as it is for a blogging app, I can still trust it to do what I need on the move. I thought with it being the official app for the website, Blogger would be better, more suitable, and have more integrated features, but apparently not.

Oh, and I recently discovered the addicting game that is Skyrim. Now initially I thought the game wouldn't work on my laptop, having only 64MB of video RAM (Intel HD graphics). But my flatmate had it and she said it worked fine on her 4-year old laptop, even though by all accounts, it really shouldn't. Well I figured, since apart from the graphics, all the other specifications of my new laptop well and truly surpassed even the reccommended specifications of the game, it wouldn't hurt to give it a go. (Why they such an otherwise high-spec computer only 64MB of video RAM I will never know) But I didn't want to pay for the game if it wouldn't work. So we did a bit of a test drive. My flatmate logged into her steam account on my computer, and I downloaded and tried the game for a couple of hours. It worked fine, so I logged out of her account, created my own, and bought the game for myself.
SO IF YOU HAVE LESS THAN THE REQUIRED VIDEO RAM, DON'T PANIC!! If the rest of your computer is up to par, then it should run if you run it on low quality (which is still actually decently good in my limited opinion of computer games). I would advise finding someone who has it on steam to try it out for an hour or two before you buy it for yourself if you're unsure whether it would work. My guess is yes.
 So far, my character (Rochiriel the wood elf) is level 8, with Lydia following her around, having killed two dragons, been to the Greybeards, gone through goddess knows how many miscellaneous side quests, killed three (i think) bandit leaders, accidentally killed her horse and had to buy another, is attempting (not very successfully) to aquire enough gold to buy a house, and is slowly building on her archery, sneak, lockpicking, one-handed and block skills (because while I love archery from a distance, and its great for killing dragons with, I become a button-masher with close-combat, and the sword and shield works so much better for that kind of thing). I'm concentrating most of my perks on sneak and archery so far though, and I've managed to kill a decent number of enemies just from shooting an arrow whilst hidden. Oh, and for those who are wondering, in terms of how I managed to kill my horse, I was trying to get off to shoot a bear, but I suddenly discovered, when my character drew her bow (while still on the horse) and shot an arrow that I could fire whilst on the horse. Unfortunately, because its not first-person view, the aim is less than good, and I think I must have shot my horse whilst the bear was attacking it. So I had to go buy another. And Lydia isn't nearly as good as the elf dude with the bow I had following me for a while, but I have no idea what happened to him. He seemed to disappear after a battle with a Bandit boss. I don't know if I maybe killed him too, or if he just disappears after a while, but that was annoying. I wonder if I can pick him up again somewhere. He was good for archery training/levelling on the go. Lydia is pretty useless for the dragons, because she can't shoot it when its in the air like the dude with the bow could. IF ANYONE KNOWS WHERE I CAN FIND THE ELF DUDE AGAIN, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I think his name was Faelgen or something. I first met him pretty much the first town I came across, after I did a quest or so for him.
If I start some more characters in the future, I want to try one of the lizard people, and one of the feline-type ones (can't remember their names at the moment). And I'll try and keep 

Oops. Kind of went off track there. Anywhoodles, the rain has died down a little. I wonder, if I ran home now, I would get there befor the next wave of insane weather. I'm guessing not, but then I can always waste time writing here. :) Or playing Skyrim...

See you later, folks :)

Hairstyles and only one exam to go

In my glass: tropical diluting juice
From my iPod: In the Air Tonight, by Phil Collins
From my bookshelf: Physiology (Yay! not anatomy for a change!)
Outside: dull, freezing cold, occasional bursts of hail or snow, but not enough to lie
My mood: Not too bad
Todays hairstyle: a ponytail

^See new hairstyle section in the bit above? So recently, I was getting a bit annoyed at a few people suggesting I cut my hair when I went out with it down. Its now around hip-length (ie. the bottom of my U-hem is resting at the level of the top of my hip bones), and I only recently trimmed it, so the ends are healthy and make a nice, level U. It's around 1c/2a in LHC terms, meaning it's got a slight natural wave at the bottom, but is mostly straight.
But I was at home and this was the first time I had worn my hair around a lot of people since it was a waist/BSL sharp V hem, meaning it was a lot longer and thicker at the bottom. I always have my hair in a bun, and I remember well the PITA the BSL ends were when I tried to quickly shove my hair out of the way, and how my hair repertoire went from large to just three or four styles. A lot of my hair toys became unusable at the short lengths, and even now my Ravenscroft Moon is only just coming comfortably back into use.
So I decided to sit down and write down all the styles I know how to do, and can do with my current hair length. Instead of the four I had between BSL and waist, I can now do more than 75 different styles. Sure some of them may look very similar or the same to other people (I mean a bunned 4-strand box does look very similar to a big, bunned english braid) but the point is that I do have all these styles to choose from and keep me occupied in the morning. I figured if I wrote them down, I would also not be at a loss for styles to wear to parties, or formal do's/dinners etc. So I wrote them down into sections, under braids, buns, half-ups, formal/pretty, and Other.
The problem is, that I rarely use more than 3 on a regular basis. Most of these styles have only been worn once or twice. So I'm going to endeavor to wear more of them more often, and so I've added a hairstyle section to my introductory part of my usual lifestyle-type posts (ie. not my ramblings and such) and perhaps introduce you all to some new styles. Feel free to ask if you don't know what they are, and I can usually point you in the direction of pictures/tutorials etc.
Today is just a ponytail, because I don't often wear one. However, becuse of the damage you get from a ponytail, plus the simple fact that it is heavy, this is likely the last you'll see of the poor old ponytail with me, with the exception of maybe the knot-pony (which doesn't use hair elastics) and possibly the half-up pony.

In terms of exams, it's two down, one to go. I'm not going to lie; Anatomy was pretty horrible. Even with the fortnightly tests, it was still horrible. I have no clue what kind of mark I'm going to end up getting for it. Molecular Biology was actually better than expected. There were two sections with gifts of an essay question, one that was about expected, and one that was really quite hard. So all in all, not too bad for that. Just physiology next thursday, then exams are over. I might read a book tonight. I mean a regular, fiction book. No idea which one, but I'd like to read something other than for studying for a change. I have a couple of fantasy books lying aronud. I would read the hobbit if it was here, but I can't because it's on my bookshelf at my parents house. I read the Lord of the Rings trilogy as a kid, but never got around to readingthe Hobbit. Harry Potter, and verious other ginormous books, like Eragon, and such kind of got in the way. I have a shelf of books that are waiting to be read (I put them alphabetically into the other bookshelves once they've been read, or into a different place in the same set of shelves if its a non-fiction book. (Hey, I love my books, kay?)
As it was, having my birthday in the middle of two of the hardest exams I have ever sat, when I was stuck revising, wasn't all that much my idea of fun, so I'm taking it easy this weekend. Letting myself relax - the revising can start again next week. Unfortunately, since everyone still has exams, no one seemed free to go out on the town tonight, but hey, I can deal. Movie, popcorn and G+T methinks. Might go see the Hobbit (even if I haven't read it - I always find myself dissapointed with movies if I read books first, so maybe I'll try it this way around), but the only showing left is the 7.45 one, which finishes around 11pm, so I'm not sure. If not, it'll be a movie at home, again, a G+T, and maybe I'll pop out and get a cake to share with my flatmate. We'll see.

So for all you guys out there: good luck, stay happy, and have a good weekend :)

Exam time. Here we go!

In my glass: a starbucks hot chocolate with hazelnut syrup
From my iPod: I Knew You Were Trouble, by Taylor Swift
From my bookshelf: Hello? Exams?!! what do you think?
Outside: getting dark, cold, slush everywhere from the melted snow
My mood: far too calm and cheery for having an exam tomorrow.

So my first exam is tomorrow. I've been sitting in starbucks most of the day, studying anatomy. I found the library too stressful and loud, and got bored at home, so sitting downstairs in the tiny little starbucks in the shopping centre seemed a decent enough idea. I certainly feel much calmer, which seems to at least be helping slightly in getting the info into my head for a change.

The exam starts at 9am, so I've decided I'm going to aim to be there at 8.45 at the latest just incase something happens. you never know with the snow and slush at the moment. If I fall again (as I did the other day, and managed to pop the ganglion in my wrist in the process, which was very sore, but I'm thankful happened yesterday since it'll be easier to write now) , it'll probably take a lot longer to walk there. From what I've so far figured, it's a written theory exam first in the lecture hall, then a 50 minute practical exam. The practical exam should be alright, because it's meant to be similar to the tests we've have every two weeks since the start of term (which were very stressful at the time, but I am immensely glad of now).

On friday I have the molecular biology of the gene exam, which I think will be the hardest. Now, THAT one I'm worrying about.

I have physiology the thursday after, so I'm really not worrying about that at the moment. It's been easier than the other two all term, so I'm concentrating my efforts on the first two at the moment. Theres a whole week to worry about physiology after.

Anyway, gotta go. Starbucks'll probably be closing soon, and I gotta go get an extra pack of pens from WHSmith. see you soon. :)

Ramblings: Extroverts vs. Introverts

So, as I mentioned in "Ramblings: Who really has the power over school social status?", I am, fundamentally, an introvert. Many people in my life since starting university might think me to be an extrovert - I always seem to be doing more things with more people than I can actually fit into any given space of time, I seem to speak reasonably easily to other people, and I love a good party. But really, I'm not an extrovert.
For every night I spend out with others, I spend one inside, not being able to face another night out with people. Most of the time, when a big night out is planned, I would much rather just have a chat over a pint at the local pub. I would generally rather kick back and watch a movie with my flatmate, or write some poetry, than head out to a nightclub. Being out with lots of people, all the time is, to put it plainly, hard for me.
That is not to say that I dislike social situations. In fact, I like people, and I like being around people, but it can be exhausting. And it is not to say that I don't like parties. In fact, I love a good party, if even a group of the people are familiar, and faces are friendly. Eventually, I'll even venture into the nightclub scene if I've already had enough of the party to get me fired up for the night. But whether I have been drinking or not, Iseem to find myself huddling away somewhere in an effort to get away from the exhausting effect of just people.
Over the last term, I have found myself moving slightly away from the regular drinking of the OTC-ers in a bid to more easily recharge myself in time for uni, and even at weekends away, I rarely spend more than £5 at the bar unless there is a big do on (such as the big dinners). Then I find myself going all out in true night-out extroverted-type-fashion.
The thing is, being introverted isn't about being shy, or even hating social situations, its about the exhausting effect that people can have on you if you are around them too long. Sure, shyness, or hatred can appear the cause, but more often than not, is just the effect of the difficulty from being around people too much. I believe at one point that there was some research done on the differences in brain pathways between introverts and extroverts. I can't remember the exact details, but it concluded that the thoughts of introverts involving the external world followed a less direct pathway than those of extroverts, potentially producing more internal thought, and also, their sensitivity to the brain-chemical dopamine. Extroverts are apparently less sensitive to this chemical, and so need plenty external-input to produce adrenaline to keep them happy, but introverts are more sensitive to the hormone, and so too much external sensory input overwhelms them, meaning they often prefer to keep out of very social situations or large crowds.
In my case, the thing that keeps me sane, is balancing my social life and my quiet time. Too much quiet time, and I can feel lonely and depressed, but too much social time and I get tired and depressed. Somewhere in the middle is a happy medium, and I'm a better, saner person to be around then.

Ramblings: Who really has the power over school social status?

I don't know what general stereotype my group of friends came under when I was at high school. We seemed to range from arty to academic and everywhere in between. In fact, most of us seemed to fit into both of these categories. Most of us played music of some sort, and five of us got weekly lessons in school, but that wasn't totally exclusive either. I look at where we all are now, and out of the eight of us, one has a full time job, one is applying to go to college next year, two are studying art, one is studying divinity, one is studying law, and one is doing pharmacy in the same city as I'm doing pharmacology (albeit not in the same university, but who cares). Most of us haven't seen each other in over a year, and some of us have stayed close, while others of use have drifted apart a bit. The point is, we're all different people, interested in different stuff.
I guess in that sense, we didn't fit the stereotypical image of a school clique - we weren't science geeks, nor were we particularly any other kind of clique - but nevertheless, we had our own space for lunch, we spent most of our time outside classes together, and we were just generally a well-established group at school by the time we had been there a couple of years together. We didn't consider ourselves popular, but that's just it - the people who considered themselves popular in my school very often weren't. The people who were considered popular by others rarely if ever actually believed themselves to be popular.
That's one thing about all the high-school based movies and shows that never fitted my experience of secondary school. In my experience, people who acted entitled, as they often do in these shows, never actually stayed popular very long, if they ever got there in the first place. School really isn't like how it is portrayed in the movies and tv-shows. Because lets face it, no-one likes being talked down to, especially not teenagers who are trying to break their own way into the adult world, not even by their peers. And if people don't like you, it's very difficult to claim that you're popular, as much as people may try.
Teachers can, to an extent, prevent the extreme side of cliques happening, where bullying occurs. And this is a good thing. It prevents a great deal of hurt on all sides. But as much as these groups might like to think that they are popular throughout the school, they rarely get the chance even amongst their peers.
I don't think anyone really believes that teachers can make all that much difference to the social happenings in school. That lies with the pupils themselves. I think the larger that schools get, the less difference certain groups of people can make over the whole school anyway. Even in my high-school, of a little over a thousand people, most groups of people had little effect on those outside their own year, or a little to either side, with the exception of the head-boy and girl who, even then, rarely knew very many of those they stood for outside of the senior years.
Within the year though, its true that people do form groups, but you could never never expect them not to - people have a tendency to make friends with certain kinds of people, and they tend to stay together throughout their time in school, perhaps with someone occasionally drifting away or working their way into a new group, but for the most part, they stay the same. That's just the way of friendship. Even the most popular people likely have a smaller group of close friends around them.
But what makes popularity? Having been through the process of starting school, and again at starting uni, I believe that there are three fundamental things which contribute to how easily people make friends at the start of their time somewhere. Most people only get this chance once in secondary school - when they start their first year, because after the initial impression, changes in peoples beliefs about you happen more slowly - but some get this chance a few times over, if they happen to move schools.
Anyway, for me, these things are:

• The willingness to speak to people you don't know, no matter how shy or worried you are about what they will think. It's important to know that this has nothing to do with being an introvert or an extrovert. I am, fundamentally, an introvert, even though I speak to people easily enough, and because of misconceptions about introverts, people may think I'm an extrovert. (More on that in "Ramblings: introvert vs. extrovert", which I'll hopefully have up shortly after this.)


• Confidence in yourself, the way you think, what you do, and who you fundamentally are, and,
• Kindness

I don't think any person can become truly popular without at least the majority of people seeing these traits.

I never cared about being popular, but what I did worry about was feeling alone. What was lacking for me in high school was both a willingness to speak to people and confidence in myself. What was lacking for the start of my university life, once I had found a willingness to speak, was confidence in myself. Indeed, until a few months ago, while I was confident enough in myself to make an impression, a part of the person people saw when they looked at me as was not the same person I actually was. In the last few months I have realised that was because I wasn't so much lying to other people as lying to myself. Now, I have realised myself. I know who I am, and what I stand for, but it may take a while longer before my fellow students and OTC-ers see that I am not that person both they, and I, thought I was. And true it hurts that trying to change that opinion is not having the desired effect. I guess it is difficult to change a first impression. It only hurts when that first impression is already there, and wrong, before I meet them because of gossip, and a reputation I can't seem to quench or shake off.
Now, I have realised that I don't care whether or not people like the person they see in front of them, because that person in front of them is now, perhaps for the first time, truly me. Nobody can change who I am, and I am worth the same as everybody else in this world. I will always have people who care about me. It took losing two people very, very close to me, and almost losing a third to make me realise that. There are so many people in this world who wish me well, as I do them. And knowing that means that I can be myself in this world without worrying about being alone, and so people can see the real "me". If I speak to someone new, and they don't like me, then it doesn't matter. We can both go our separate ways without grief over something lost that was never actually found.