Friday 29 March 2013

Kinda sad

In my glass: nothing
From my iPod: Valley of Strathmore, by Silly Wizzard (there's other music on the bus radio, but cheery music is not what I want at the moment)
From my bookshelf: about 5 chapters into A Game of Thrones, but haven't had time to read it
Outside: cold. Had feet of snow piled up at home when I was there. Nothing in Aberdeen, but on way to Edinburgh, so no idea what it'll be like
My mood: sad, and worried
Todays hairstyle: standard braided bun with spin pins and hair net for OTC

My poor (few, though very much appreciated) readers. I'm afraid I've been a bit quiet on here recently. Almost neglecting you all. Truth be told I've not really been my best this last while.
I'd already written you a long post but it got lost in the system somewhere, so here goes again. Only now my flow has gone. :(
I've been a bit down again and reminiscing about my uncle, and my boyfriend. It seems stupid since its been so long, but I can't stop thinking about it. Anyone who has ever lost anyone will know how it is. You never really get over it - you just learn to deal. And dealing this last while has been difficult. Don't know why, only that it has been weighing on my mind more than normal. But I don't feel like I can truly talk about it. It's so difficult to put into words what has been going through my head, and try as I do here, it's impossible to get everything down and still sound reasonably coherent.
The thing is, it's not just my losses that weigh so heavily on my mind, but its difficult to say all these things. It's the family history and the expectations that comes with being a part of that family. Feeling like I could never measure up to that. Being known for being so-and-so's daughter/niece/sister/granddaughter all over the world, and not just as me. (Thank the goddess and the god that the majority of the people at uni have no idea about my family.) It's not being able to do what I want because I get frustrated at my inability to be as good as other people in my family, as stupid as it is.
It's wanting to go get a tattoo remembering them both, but being afraid of not being able to show anyone without them putting two and two together. I don't even feel like I could put it on the LHC since a part of it is so iconic of my uncle (and many of the people, and family close to him) in the worldwide band circle, and I don't want my identity being discovered and becoming so-and-so's daughter/niece/sister/granddaughter to yet another person in the world.
It's having my credibility as a musician questioned, or in some cases, ignored, because I chose to play the drum I do, regardless of my experience or ability to play other instruments. It's feeling like the most downtrodden and worthless member of the band, because I CHOSE to play an instrument I loved, rather than one of the apparently more complicated one. Is it SO WRONG to do something I love? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like it is.
It's the feeling of not being able to start a clean slate. Not being able to get rid of a reputation that I don't want, and that isn't me. It feels like a game of he said, she said, where I don't get the option to say anything. The thing is, with my boyfriends death sitting so heavily on my mind, I don't want to be that person they all expect me to be. Partly because of the guilt, because as long ago as all that happened, I still have such awful guilt from every single one of the guys since. Probably because I don't think a single one of them actually cared about me, and at the time, I needed that, but not now. I need someone, ANYONE, to care.
But it's not just all that either. There's so much shite going about in my head that I don't know where to start and where, if anywhere, it ends (apologies for the swearing, but I can't hold my frustration and sadness in any longer).
I can't even tell anyone. I need to, but I have had trust issues, (amped love issues, but that's a different story) since both losses, probably since compounded by all the OTC gossiping. Besides, how do you tell someone about death? How do you find someone you can trust to tell. And even when you do (I think there is one person in Aberdeen I can tell) I have no idea when would be the right time. So many times, I've almost sent a "hey, do you have time to talk?" message on Facebook, and then deleted it because I couldn't fathom how to put any of it into words. After all how can I? How do you talk about these things? My brain whirs ninety nine to the dozen half the time, in such convoluted ways, that so many threads run alongside one another, and I can't even speak fast enough to get it all out. My head just goes and goes and goes, and I just wish it would all stop.

To make all that even worse, I'm worried about spring camp. I don't want to ruin my ankle like I did last year, and I know it's not as strong - the Physio told me as much when they discharged me, so I'm meant to "go careful on it". Thing is, spring camp exercise is not a careful exercise. It's a running about crazy, not having the time to watch your feet. If I twist my ankle, I'm out - and I don't want to. Everyone thinks me lucky, but they have no idea how painful ripped ligaments are, and that they're so damaged now, it's mostly muscle holding my ankle in place. And muscle tires. This is going to be horrible. :(

Urgh. I'm done guys. I can't do more tonight. No idea when this'll go up, since my ipad doesn't have Internet, and I've never tried mobile hotspot on my iPhone before. Might be end of camp before it goes up. See you all sometime.
Hopefully feeling better...



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Monday 18 March 2013

The Early Bird

(A poem by me for the other early risers out there)

Never miss the first soft glimpse
Of the rising morning sun.
Birds are singing, flying, dancing
A picture of mirth and fun.
Even in those dreary days
When the sun is on the run,
Life is there knocking on the door
With the first of the morning sun

Wednesday 13 March 2013

Ramblings: Are we scots really all that bad?

This may very well result in a little backlash, but I did say I wouldn't be hiding things anymore.
At one lunch time last week, I found myself reading through the Gaudie (the student newspaper for Aberdeen). Usually I find the newspaper a nice relief from the regular old boring paper, being a nice mix of funny and sarcastic, and serious news and articles.
The newspaper in question this time had a article meant to be taken seriously, written by an international student on the subject of whether Aberdeen was welcoming to the large number of international students that attend the universities.
Being truthful, I have no problem with the start of the article - the university is open to international students, and there is an array of activities meant to ease the transition into university life in an unfamiliar country. It's the light that other people are shown in within the article I have a problem with.
It is made known in the paper that most international students tend to hang out with other international students. Ok fine, if that's what you see from your side, I won't question that. And that Scottish people spend most of their time with other Scottish people. Perhaps, though personally I find the international students in my course to be great to be around. Just like in my out-of-uni activities, there is a plethora of international students that I get on with very well. The article points out that there is no discrimination felt, when the author asked other international students how welcome they felt in Aberdeen.
However, regardless of this result, there were a few other sentences which I definitely did take issue with. One was from a psychology student - "When I told my Scottish classmates I was going on holiday in Bali, they gave me this strange look like; 'you're from the Czech Republic, where did you get the money from for that.'" Now perhaps I'm the only one out there, but I would be wondering where, as a student, you got the money from. Country doesn't even come into the equation. I would love to be able to afford a holiday, but I just can't, and I'm about as Scottish as you get. Why put the emphasis on country? No matter where you come from (be it the Czech Republic, the USA, Scotland, England, Malaysia, France - whatever), if you're able to afford to live away from home, get all the way through uni, and then afford a holiday in your fourth year, I would be pretty shocked. It's not about people from another country not having money, it's about the awe that someone else can afford to go on holiday when we could only ever dream about affording it.
The piece makes some very valid points, but I dislike the portrayal of the cause of the barriers between Scottish and international students. Sure cultural differences has a massive part, but I think the biggest problem is actually attitude, on both sides. Sure we don't have a new language to learn, but that doesn't mean we have it super easy either. The culture in Aberdeen is massively different to that at home, which is in turn, massively different to that in either Edinburgh or Glasgow. There's a reason I tend to get on better with the OTC-ers in Glasgow or Tayforth than I do in the majority of the Aberdeen OTC, as you may well tell from my previous posts. Different cultures, different personalities, different ways of communicating. Yes, we DO need to discover new cultures, it is difficult for us to meet new people and establish a rapport with them.
Then again, perhaps as someone with a reasonable number of international students surrounding various aspects of my life my experiences are different, but I don't think so.
It isn't necessarily to do with experiences and understanding, but rather attitude and a fair quantity of ignorance on both parts. Aberdeen can occasionally not be the friendliest place. People tend to keep themselves to themselves, which can sometimes be misconstrued as being "up themselves" or egotistical, which is not necessarily true, but can make it seem difficult for those not used to the culture. I don't find Glasgow to be so much like that (perhaps with the exception to the Celtic/Rangers debate/dilemma/fighting that goes on - I never will understand, but then, I'm not a football-type person..) which could be why I find it easier to make friends in Glasgow. That said, usually Aberdeen is fine - all it takes is for you to take the lead and speak to them. If I listened to my introverted self all the time, I doubt I would get on so well with the people I do. It takes work from both sides, though. The other side just sometimes needs a bit of a push.
Has this gone off track?
...Oh, never mind...

Wednesday 6 March 2013

Blogging from my iPad.

Well having been very good about not overspending, and my savings were still at pre-second year levels, I decided to give myself a treat. So I bought an iPad mini. Being honest, I've been thinking about an iPad ever since the start of the year. I just couldn't justify it. I still can't justify it, since I have a laptop, but I don't think it could ever really replace my laptop anyway-certainly not with all the typing I do for lectures- but it's nice to know I won't have to lug my laptop around if I want to just take something light for a weekend that won't take up too much room. I'm disappointed apple didn't sell full cases for them, though. Just the smart-covers. I went to PC World and bought a proper case, which I much prefer, even if it doesn't have the magnetic-turn-off function. It does the job for me. I must admit, I do rather like the blogpress app setup on here.
And yes, I know you haven't heard much from me this last while. I didn't do much at NaNo, and my spare drafts I have sitting to be finished for you are dwindling.
Anyway, I'm off to make up some slides for an oral presentation we have in a couple of weeks - we have our practice next Wednesday.
See you all soon, my lovelies!


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